Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
