No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
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Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
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Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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