im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
