Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
