Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
