somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
then he tried to convert me to islam
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
