even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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