Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
