Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
