I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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