i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
