it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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