Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
