is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
