dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
