I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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