my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
