I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
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There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
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Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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