Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
