I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
