totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
