She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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