do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
