your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
