Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
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You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
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especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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