I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
