I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
