I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
