She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i think i just lost a toe
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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