4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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