Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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