i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
