I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
