She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
