I can tuck mytits in my pants
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
