Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
