life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Alive.
So much puke
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
