He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
