mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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