Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
