Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize