remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
