im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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