Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
