I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
