Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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