I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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