I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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