I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
