my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
