Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
