Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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