sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
