I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
