the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
