her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
