the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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