what day is it and did you see me today?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
