Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
