dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
