He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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